I internalize things. A LOT. I’m doing that now. If you were here, you’d see me clenching my jaw. You’d see my eye twitching. You’d see the glazed look in my eyes. You’d think, after over 40 years of being alive I’d figure out a better way and I have, in the past. But when things really get stressful, I always go back to my old ways. What’s up with that shit?
I had planned to put it all here, type until my fingers were tired, but along with the internalization my brain gets all foggy and my thoughts won’t come as they normally would. So this is all. And it’s only Wednesday…what the fuck!
Just another set of fingers contributing to the blogosphere, here I am. I’m a 40-something, married, childless wreck of a human being. Don’t judge, we’re all wrecks of human beings, if you really think about it. On the surface, especially in my professional life, I have it all together. I’m responsible, I work my ass off, I take care of business. At home, I’m a little less together. I forget shit, I do things half-assed, and I feel overwhelmed a lot. Take a look inside my head and you’ll see the real deal. I’m insecure, I’m always second-guessing myself, I’m a chronic worrier, and I feel like I’m just not good enough most of the time. I tell people I’m a reformed people pleaser–but that’s just because I think that’s what they want to hear. I feel like I need to be a better wife, a better daughter, a better human being. It’s like I lead a double life inside of myself and it’s time to unravel it all and merge the personalities. I really don’t give a shit if anyone else reads this because this journey is for me. If someone wants to come along for the ride, so be it. Enjoy the carnage.